Saturday, April 30, 2011

Growing Pains

All Swimsuits by Monif C.
It's been a few weeks since I last checked in and a lot has been going on. I have updated my resume, assessed my debt, been doing tons of research on starting a business. I have also been coveting the Monif C swimsuit above and evaluating myself.

This Monif C. Swimsuit screams Metropolis meets Barbarella poolside glamah! Monif C is a genius, obviously. Completng the vision of beauty is a curvy full figured model with an ideal hourglass figure. The model in this image, may not be a Victoria's Secret model but lately as far as i'm concerned she might as well be. Cause my fabulous curvy body doesn't look like this!

I have recently been inundated with the concepts and practices of "the secret," or the law of attraction; the practice of keeping your intentions at the forefront of your heart and mind. In putting your fullest positive attention to what you want in your life, the universe will respond and opportunities will present themselves to you for the taking.

Ah there's the rub. The taking. All of the skill, charm, charisma and talent in the world may never lead to success if you have no confidence. In recent months my confidence has taken quite a blow. Although i have had a fairly good self image most of my life it has been in combat with my body image at different times in my life.

Lately the battle has become a tug of war. My healthy ego has been losing out to my growing belly and thighs in the wake of some major life transitions. Me and my self esteem have been given a wake up call. I'm getting fatter, and with every pound my confidence is waning. It's day to day whether my skills, talents and charms are leading the way or my body image is.

Which brings up some major questions for me how committed am i to changing my body? How much do i believe i can change my body? How much do i want to change my body? Substitute the word body for life at will. All of this being said I strongly identify as a "plus size woman" or a "big beautiful woman (bbw)" or a curvy full figured woman. All of these identifiers are external labels and as much political as about self acceptance. Lets face it, acceptance should be unconditional for all in theory, self acceptance should be a right, but it's not so simple.

A friend of mine has started using something I said to her once ,when she was in a body low place, as a mantra. She has inspired me to use my own words as a mantra. "I love my body and everyone else's too." Another mantra i've come up with is "leggo my ego."

Now I am as vain as the next girl, but when it comes to my weight - being fit and healthy really is my priority. I believe that healthy comes in many sizes and i am on a journey of reaching all of my goals. One of which is a healthy body which at its most fit is full and curvy and yes i believe beautiful. 

There is a part of me that is thrilled for Jennifer Hudson's weight loss, but shocked that she is continuing to shrink. Horrified but not surprised when she recently admitted that people "treat her better" now that she's thin jennifer hudson.

Keeping your eyes on the prize and holding that vision of what it is you want for yourself, for the people you love and the world at large can be difficult.

Over the last year I have come to some difficult realizations about my behavior, habits and commitment issues. These realizations are difficult but amazing. I'm scared straight, freaking out, and excited as hell at the thought of all to come.

The task at hand is to keep learning how to manage these growing pains of mine. Physically, mentally and emotionally.