caterpillar dreaming

Spring brings new life, energy light and change. It was a difficult week that ended with an amazing experience and only today just now do i realize that i manifested that experience.  I needed to ground myself so that i wouldn't fly away.


I have recently become interested in Buddhism and meditation and my darling friend Stacerella suggested i check out dharma punx during my last visit to New York. She also mentioned 5 rhythms. Low and behold an email reminder appeared in my inbox saturday night for a day long retreat with Dharma Punx Against the Stream and 5 rhythms. A day of immersion into silent sitting meditation and then moving meditation through dance.


Needless to say i signed up.


Dharma Punx Against the Stream Mediation Society http://www.againstthestream.org/:

'Against the Stream Buddhist Meditation Society was founded by Noah Levine, author of Dharma Punx and Against the Stream, to make the teachings of the Buddha available to all who are interested. We wish to create and sustain communities of healthy, accountable, wise and compassionate people from every walk of life. We welcome people from all racial, economic, sexual, social, political and religious backgrounds and preferences and believe that the path of awakening is attainable by all and should be available to all.'

what is 5 rythms? http://www.kateshela.com/rhythms.htm:

'The 5Rhythms is a cathartic form of dance for body, mind and heart developed by Gabrielle Roth. The practice itself is very simple. It is a map that can point you to the inherent wisdom of your own body. As well as being a great work out, a 5Rhythms class can be an opportunity to develop the skills of discipline, commitment and creativity, and to catalyze deep healing and self expression. All you need is the willingness to follow your feet into the next step.'

Being new to both practices i was super excited to jump in.  Dharma Punx' Against the Stream santa monica meeting space proved to be a non-intimidating environment and a very welcoming space.


We started with a sitting meditation started by one of Against the Stream's teachers, JoAnna Harper. She comes across as a strong, purposeful woman. I found her voice soothing as she directed me to close my eyes get comfortable and become still. To clear my mind of thought and ground myself in my own body, my breath. To feel the weight of my body on the chair and the weight of my hands on my lap. To be aware of my discomfort if any, and to consider staying still.

As my mind wandered toward what i had said to the woman who was nice enough to chat me up at the beginning of class, JoAnna's voice called me back to myself, "wherever you are, come home, your body is home."  For someone dealing with some body issues as of late it was an incredibly relative point of reference. 

As my thoughts went towards what would be happening later in the day JoAnna gently reminded me where i was. that the plans for later or future and the memories of yesterday could leave my mind as easily as they had come into it. That i should have compassion with myself and not judge these thoughts, or criticize myself for my mind's wandering as it is only natural. Just the sound of her voice guided me to returning home again to my body and my breath and becoming present. Something I realized it takes an effort to do in the age of iphones, droids, and everyone being so 'busy'. I liked being present.

We went from sitting to standing to movement with Kate Shela. Kate is a shamanic healer who teaches 5 rhythms in the U.S. and in Europe. Kate is a spitfire, silly, energetic, and all embracing. She is like a walking hug who doesn't do bullshit. She asks us to be true only for ourselves as she guided us through a wave of movement that is the 5 rhythms. 

What started out, as another participant summarized as "a weird wedding reception disco" to a truly cathartic experience with myself and with others. Relating to others through movement alone. Communicating yourself through dance as you feel it and however it comes. Slowly but surely without judgment. Living in my body and many a time completely present. 

By the end of this journey day i felt a part of a community of people and had experienced every emotion, fear, joy, solidarity, humor.

Like I said, I was in need of some grounding. A day of meditation and "mindfulness" and movement reminded me of who I am and who I want to be. That in dancing I am a dancer, that in writing I am writer, that in designing I am a designer and that in creating I am a creator. That in action and mindfulness I am moving forward. I am feeling very present for the first time in some time.

I have learned that I needn't dream of becoming the butterfly. I am the butterfly.

Growing Pains

All Swimsuits by Monif C.

It's been a few weeks since I last checked in and a lot has been going on. I have updated my resume, assessed my debt, been doing tons of research on starting a business. I have also been coveting the Monif C swimsuit above and evaluating myself.


This Monif C. Swimsuit screams Metropolis meets Barbarella poolside glamah! Monif C is a genius, obviously. Completng the vision of beauty is a curvy full figured model with an ideal hourglass figure. The model in this image, may not be a Victoria's Secret model but lately as far as i'm concerned she might as well be. Cause my fabulous curvy body doesn't look like this!

I have recently been inundated with the concepts and practices of "the secret," or the law of attraction; the practice of keeping your intentions at the forefront of your heart and mind. In putting your fullest positive attention to what you want in your life, the universe will respond and opportunities will present themselves to you for the taking.

Ah there's the rub. The taking. All of the skill, charm, charisma and talent in the world may never lead to success if you have no confidence. In recent months my confidence has taken quite a blow. Although i have had a fairly good self image most of my life it has been in combat with my body image at different times in my life.

Lately the battle has become a tug of war. My healthy ego has been losing out to my growing belly and thighs in the wake of some major life transitions. Me and my self esteem have been given a wake up call. I'm getting fatter, and with every pound my confidence is waning. It's day to day whether my skills, talents and charms are leading the way or my body image is.


Which brings up some major questions for me how committed am i to changing my body? How much do i believe i can change my body? How much do i want to change my body? Substitute the word body for life at will. All of this being said I strongly identify as a "plus size woman" or a "big beautiful woman (bbw)" or a curvy full figured woman. All of these identifiers are external labels and as much political as about self acceptance. Lets face it, acceptance should be unconditional for all in theory, self acceptance should be a right, but it's not so simple.

A friend of mine has started using something I said to her once ,when she was in a body low place, as a mantra. She has inspired me to use my own words as a mantra. "I love my body and everyone else's too." Another mantra i've come up with is "leggo my ego."


Now I am as vain as the next girl, but when it comes to my weight - being fit and healthy really is my priority. I believe that healthy comes in many sizes and i am on a journey of reaching all of my goals. One of which is a healthy body which at its most fit is full and curvy and yes i believe beautiful. 

There is a part of me that is thrilled for Jennifer Hudson's weight loss, but shocked that she is continuing to shrink. Horrified but not surprised when she recently admitted that people "treat her better" now that she's thin jennifer hudson.


Keeping your eyes on the prize and holding that vision of what it is you want for yourself, for the people you love and the world at large can be difficult.


Over the last year I have come to some difficult realizations about my behavior, habits and commitment issues. These realizations are difficult but amazing. I'm scared straight, freaking out, and excited as hell at the thought of all to come.


The task at hand is to keep learning how to manage these growing pains of mine. Physically, mentally and emotionally.


xo, 
V

Space

A very good day. I've been working pretty hard at setting my sights on working for myself. I have been making merch, researching vending spots, figuring out how to negotiate this whole social networking market place thing! I feel like a ludite in a techie convention but i'm learning. and loving it. how did i manage without twitter? Truly, tell me how.


My favorite thrift store is Valley Thrift right now. They recently moved from San Fernando and Lankershim to the old circuit city building on Victory and Woodman in North hollywood. Such a goldmine. I last went there with the specific goal of finding storage for my home./work space.


I needed to convert just under five feet of wall space into a far more organized and self contained workspace since i am looking to make it my livelihood much less finally have the time to do so!


I scored a wood cd rack that i converted into a far more space efficient supply case for my millinery materials. It has 10 shelves and each fits a plastic covered container dividing up my fascinator bases, fabric scraps, veiling, crinoline, beads, feathers and other various decorations and tools.


Completing my work station structure is a simple card table which houses my machine and serves as my sewing station. Lastly, a tiny bathroom cabinet 1 foot deep and less than a foot wide, not quite 5 feet tall serves as my fabric cabinet. I'm pleased with the structure of my new workspace and definitely have some beautifying to do and will keep you informed. In the meantime some fabulous and inspired artists in their live/work spaces photographed by Tom Selby, portrait photographer extraordinaire. http://www.theselby.com